About five years ago my little sister was diagnosed with a braintumor. It was the size of a "grapefruit" and filled roughly half of her head. I wasn't there when it was discovered, but within 24 hours she was under the knife. A team of talented surgeons, doctors and nurses at the children's hospital carefully removed it. At the time we thought it was benign, later it turned out to be malignant. However, it hasn't grown in years and she went on to college and this past May, she graduated with honors from Hope college. I was there with her for some of the MRI's in the months that followed and in the Intensive Care Unit could see other children afflicted with equally horrible ailments. It was during those months I committed to donating blood.

I hate needles. I always have and I think I always will. And giving blood has never been easy. But for the last five years now I have trekked to a donation center in Shoreview Minnesota several times a year to give what I'm able. Because of my size, I'm qualified to do double red – where they take twice as much, remove the red blood cells and return the plasma. Only large people with enough iron in their blood (crit level) can do this. This meant not only would I need to bulk up on iron-laden foods (such as spinach) the night preceding, butI would need to avoid caffeine that morning. For a computer geek of Swedish heritage, this is not an easy feat.

For those unfamiliar to the process, when you donate blood they have you read a fairly straightforward form letter. It tells you that if you've traveled abroad recently or had Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease inyour family you aren't eligible to donate. It has a page on NAT bloodtesting and that by donating blood you agree to this. I've read that pamphlet a thousand times.

Then they bring you in a little room and do some basic tests. They test your iron count (crit), blood pressure, temperature and pulse. Then they have a series of about 50 questions they ask. I've always debated jokingly answering yes to the "are you pregnant" question, but I take the Q and A pretty seriously. Most of the time they run through it fairly fast. Nothing has ever been an issue.

After persistent calls, I finally set up a time to donate. The shoreview donation center is a much farther trip for me now. It used to be walking distance from my old place of employment, but now it's20 miles and with decent traffic, about half an hour drive time.

I left work at a decent time so I stopped at home, then took off for the Red Cross Center early. I arrived at quarter to six for a six thirty donation. As accustomed, I signed in and grabbed the pamphlet. Only, it was different this time.

The new packet still included the info on CJD (Mad Cow) and ontraveling abroad but now included 2 pages of info on different prescription drugs that they were watching. Some would defer your donor eligibility only a few days, others lasted 12 months. One psoarisis drug was listed as "indefinite deferment" which is a nice way of saying "goodbye forever, don't come back". Then there was a sheet that seemed to go over some of the questions – a mini F.A.Q. so to speak. My eyes fixated on the last box.

It read something to the effect:

You may be asked about "sex" or"sexual contact". These terms include any sexual contact between themouth, penis, vagina or anus. "Sex" includes:
1.Standard sex (they used a more PC term) – intercourse where a penis makes contact with a vagina.
2.Oral Sex – intercourse where a penis makes contact with a mouth, or contact between a mouth and a vagina
3.Anal sex – intercourse where a penis makes contact with an anus.

Pretty graphic, but rather straight to the point. I read it carefully. In the past, it was understood that sex was the first and third. I never thought of the second to be "sexual intercourse".However, they were clearing things up now.

Basically, BJs count.

My heart started to race a bit. In the past, with my understanding of what constituted "sex", I was in the clear. I had zipped through thequestions without batting an eye or feeling perjurious in any fashion. I had cleared the blood tests with flying colors. On one occasion, my crit level was too low for double red, but I still was able to donate regular whole.

I started to panic. Do I be entirely forthcoming and truthful? I've always made it a habit to tell doctors the truth, even volunteer when able. I knew when a certain question on the form came up, I would have to decide.

Jeanne passed by. She was exited to see me. She had a bit of a meanstreak in teasing about "giant" needles. But I had seen her at the donation center many times and she knew me by name. She got excited and checked to see if she could squeeze in a double red today. But unfortunately the second bench wasn't set up. She smiled and said "next time". I hoped it would be her asking me the questions. It would help to have a friendly face.

A heavyset woman had me follow her into the room and she typed in my blood donor card info into the laptop. We went over address and phone number. While doing the usual blood pressure and heart rate checks we talked about "Iron Chef" and "Hell's Kitchen" (she also works as a chef). Then the questions. The questions had changed and we had made it through most of them. I was hoping, based on the way they had been progressing, that I would dodge the question. A lot of questions that had been "have you ever..." were now "have you, in the last 12 months..." and similar durations. Then question came question 35 and my heart sank.

As a man, have you had sex with another man since 1977, even if only once.

The last 4 words sealed my fate. I choked back the lump in my throatand admitted something only a select few in my life know. "yes"

Her pen hovered over the "no" section and she looked up. It was a look of surprise and condemnation. More the former than the later."You have?" she asked, almost incredulously.

I explained. "Yes, i mean, once, 4 or 5 years ago. It was a single occurrence. But i had oral.. i mean, i received oral.. uh. I got a BJ from a guy. It was just once. And... i mean.. I've donated a million times since then...".. I was quickly digging a hole. As I spoke she filled in the "yes" circle and started typing on thecomputer.

Perhaps all wasn't lost. I mean, she said herself i was in great physical condition. And I've donated blood several times a year for years since then. I'm clean. I'm not gay. Well, mostly anyhow. Certainly a single instance of curiosity won't invalidate....

She pulled out a three ring binder and flipped to a folder near the back and ripped out a form letter. I could read the heading "Indefinite Deferral Letter". She typed in some info and wrote simply "Q35" on the form letter. She made a note in the margin of my questionnaire we had been going through and handed it for me to sign. She wasn't smiling anymore.

I felt shame. I felt like i had fucked up. Somehow, if I had just lead the straight and narrow good life, I would be here helping save lives. Instead I just screwed a dozen critically ill patients. That's what it felt like.

She handed me my card (i was surprised she didn't pull out scissors and cut it in half, like they do to chronically debt-ridden creditcard holders at restaurants. Maybe stomp into the waiting room, gather the other volunteers and point at me as chopped it to pieces. "Look at him! Look what he's made us do!"). I folded the card into the form letter and followed her to the door. As I was about to leave, i told the woman "hey, I've seen Jeanne here for a long time. Feel free to share with her if she wants to know why i can't donate blood". Text doesn't translate that mood well, but it was a quiet and shamed me speaking. I pushed back the emotions and walked with what little pride i had left to the Clinic's door.

I looked one last time at the donor center before leaving. I stood at the building entrance looking out at the pouring rain for a long time. I was debating grabbing the American Red Cross card that listed my full name and "Apheresis Hero" on it and chucking it into the storm. I went from being a Hero to being an uninvited indignant in a few short minutes.

Thank you for volunteering to donate blood today. We are grateful for your support of this vital community activity.

Some of the health history information you provided today indicates that you should not donate blood for use by another person, either because the donation may jeopardize your own health and safety, or because your blood may not be safe for another person.

[ Reason we could not collect your blood today: Q35 ]

Although you should not donate for others, you may still donate blood for your own use if this ever becomes medically necessary.

We are required to enter your name and identifying information into our register of deferred donors. This list is maintained in order to protect the safety of the blood supply, and is used only by Red Cross personnel. We will not release any information contained in the list without your permission except when required by law.

If you have any questions or concerns about the reason you are unable to give blood, please ask to speak to the site supervisor, or contact:

Donor Health Department,
1-8000-463-3917
Monday-Friday,
8:30 AM – 4:30PM

Sincerely,
David C Maymn.. (illegible signature)
Medical Director/designee

Shame turned to anger as I drove home through the downpour. I started to wonder if dieing soldiers or children with cancer cared if blood was a little bit gay. I wondered if a medevac unit hauling a dying American from the battlefield specifically required only White Heterosexual Christian Male blood. Perhaps they would raise a fist to the sky and curse the fags that had invalidated themselves from donation through their shamefully sinful acts... even if, only once.

I know that in those days when my sister was in a scary place that no person should ever have to be in, had she started to bleed out and the doctors assistant raced into the waiting room and informed us "she'sdying because of lack of blood, but don't worry, she didn't get any gay in her" I would have snapped and been arrested for assaulting an attending nurse.

It infuriates me more when everyone knows what constitutes safe sex.We have tests and even a known incubation period. There is no reason to invalidate anyone whose lived a clean lifestyle for a long enough period and is willing to donate. It enrages me to think that any guy who screws a dozen strange women he met in a bar the previous week can donate, but I'm now permabanned for a distant moment of indiscretion.

Someday things will change. Someday, I'll be married with kids i imagine and on blood donor day when the red cross bus visits the neighborhood, my kids ask why mommy could go but daddy couldn't. I hope I can have a sense of humor about it then. I'll reply "too much glitter in my blood kiddo".